Sports

Paulina Gretzky Is Pregnant And I’m Distraught

Seth Richardson Contributor

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don’t take Paulina Gretzky from us so early. She had so many years of hotness left. Now she’s pregnant with professional golfer and cocaine enthusiast Dustin Johnson’s baby.

Why would you do this to us? At a certain level it’s just rude. You’re young, hot and rich. Wait until you’re 30. What other former hockey player’s daughter am I supposed to ogle now?

There’s a 1 million percent chance this is a lockdown tactic by Johnson. Gretzky’s father Wayne, also known as the best hockey player ever, said he’d halt the two’s wedding if Johnson didn’t clean up his act. Of course Johnson did the typical cokehead thing and knocked her up. “Let’s see you call off the wedding now, Dad!” Johnsnon probably said as he ripped rails. It’s in his nature.

I’m still in denial. RIP Paulina Gretzky.

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